MILEY
Lily! Lily! OK, guess who is crushing big time?
LILY
Oh, Miley, not again, even Jeff Gordon makes a pit stop once in a while!
MILEY
I am not talking about me!
They walk over to a lunch table.
MILEY
Although, tall, dark and yummy over there is definitely on my radar!
Miley stares over at a boy sitting at the next table. Lily clicks to get Miley's attention.
LILY
Miley!
MILEY
Right! Anyhow, I'm talking about Oliver. He is in love.
LILY
Are you sure? I was just in the girls bathroom and there was nobody sobbing (whining) why me! Why me!
MILEY
I'm sure. I just saw him upstairs and he was totally distracted and "spacey".
Oliver begins to walk down the stairwell and suddenly trips over, falling down the stairs cowering.
LILY
Guess you're right. That's love. Painful, painful love.
Oliver gets himself up off the ground.
OLIVER
Hey, how's it going? Nice gigs. Timm-y!
Miley and Lily walk over to him.
LILY
Spill it Oliver, who is she?
OLIVER
Who's who?
MILEY
The girl who you're falling for. (pause) all the way down the stairs!
OLIVER
There's no girl.
LILY
Oh, really. Then how do you explain this box of chocolates?
She waves the box of chocolates from Oliver's bag around.
OLIVER
Alright ... fine ... they're for a girl.
LILY
What's her name?
OLIVER
Guys she's not even in our grade, (snatches box of chocolates from Lily) you don't even know her.
The three of them walk over and take a seat at the table again.
LILY (Teasing)
Come on, you know you want to tell us.
MILEY
Yea-h! (pokes Oliver repetitively) come on, come on! Come on, come on!
LILY
Tell us, tell us! Tell us, tell us!
MILEY
Come on!
LILY
Tell us!
MILEY
Come on!
LILY
Tell us!
Oliver jumps up from his seat and takes his bag.
OLIVER (Defensively)
Come on guys, just leave me alone! OK!
Oliver walks away and Lily and Miley sit closer together, impersonating a cat's anger.
LILY / MILEY
Ra-aw!
MILEY
I've never seen him like this.
LILY
I know. Maybe we should just respect his privacy.
MILEY
Yeah. (pause) Although, if we respect it to long, we'll loose his trail. Come on!
The two of them jump off their chairs and follow Oliver's trail.
***
Oliver is walking along the corridor with the box of chocolates in his hand making sure no one can see him. He slowly opens the door to the Nurse's station as Miley and Lily reach the entrance to the hall.
MILEY
Oh!
They suddenly hear the nurse's voice coming from the station.
***
In the Nurse's station, the Nurse is cradling the box of chocolates from Oliver.
NURSE
Oh, thank-you Oliver.
Miley and Lily walk over closer and peer in the window.
OLIVER
The ones with the little squiggles on top are the best.
The nurse pats them across her heart, Miley and Lily watching in disgrace. As Oliver walks out, Lily and Miley run over to the notice board.
MILEY
I'm going to take A.P. English.
LILY
I think I'll take A.P. Water Polo.
Oliver gives them a quick glance but then, shrugging, walks off down the corridor. They jump to attention.
MILEY (Flared)
Good night, nurse! Oliver is crushing on someone old enough to remember the Beatles!
LILY (Baffled)
The who?
MILEY
You to!
***
OPENING CREDITS
starring MILEY CYRUS
EMILY OSMENT
MITCHELL MUSSO
JASON EARLES
MOISES ARIAS
and BILLY RAY CYRUS
"HANNAH MONTANA"
***
At the school, Miley and Lily are still standing in the corridor, only this time, people are walking through.
LILY
Well at least she wasn't in our grade!
MILEY
Not in our grade? She ain't in our generation!
LILY
Oh, that's a good one! I can't wait to use that one on him!
Lily starts to head for Oliver, but Miley stops her.
MILEY
No! You can't! Remember in seventh grade when you had a crush on Mr. Hugano, the french teacher?
LILY
Vaguely.
MILEY
Please! You wore a beret and said "we-we" so much, people started calling you Tinkle Truscott.
LILY
OK, fine! But people made fun of me, I got over it, and nobody even remembers!
Amber and Ashley walk over to them.
ASHLEY (To Lily)
Hey, Tinkle! We've got same stale french fries here! (holds them up)
AMBER
And you know how you like things old and french!
AMBER / ASHLEY
Oolala, Tss.
They walk off.
LILY (Shouts after them)
That was two years ago!
MILEY
Yeah! She's had a ton of boyfriends since then! OK, fine that loser cheated on her, but that doesn't really count! And the other one she took to court but if she ...
LILY
Stop helping me! (lowers voice) I get it. I can't make fun of Oliver. For this. Everything else is fair game, right?
MILEY
Of coarse. Now we've just gotta' protect him from the trash talking twins.
LILY
How?
MILEY
Simple. We get him nursing on a new crush, not crushing on an old nurse.
LILY
Another good one I can't use. (sighs)
MILEY
Come on!
***
At the Stewart Household, Robby is on the phone to his mother.
ROBBY
Mum, you may want to sit down for this one. Jackson, you're grandson, got a 'B'. (Holds up paper)
We hear loud screaming from the intercom inserted on the phone.
ROBBY
Told you, you may want to sit down. Yep, and it's all because of this new girlfriend he's got. Tell you what, she is as smart as a whip, and you ain't gonna' believe what an influence she's been on him. (Jackson and his girlfriend walk in) Here they come, I gotta' go, if you can't get up, call me back. (The two teens walk over to him) There they are! My B boy and his A plus lady!
JACKSON
Dad!
ALLISON
Hi Mr. Stewart.
ROBBY
Little lady, from now on, you can call me Happy Pappy.
JACKSON
He's not really my Dad. I was left on his doorstep. By a wizard. (gestures wizard top hat)
ROBBY
Oh son, come on now, I didn't mean to embarrass you, but look at this! (walks over to fridge) You made the refrigerator! (he begins to cry) I'm sorry, I just got a little dust in my eye, that's all.
ALLISON (To Jackson)
Wow. What'll he do when he finds out about your A on the history quiz?
JACKSON
That's a risk I can't take!
Jackson chews up a piece of paper in his hands and keeps it in his mouth.
ROBBY
(still crying) OK. I'm just gonna' go for a jog now and leave you two to your - "studying". I'm sorry. More dust!
He runs out the door.
***
While Jackson is upstairs, Allison is sitting on the couch as her phone rings.
ALLISON (In phone)
Hey Monica! Yeah, we're studying for the Chem test. I dunno, he's cute, but I'm just not feeling it anymore.
Robby is standing at the doorway behind the piano listening in on her conversation, and his mouth falls open.
ALLISON
I was going to break up with him today.
Robby holds up his hands to gesture a prevention.
ALLISON
But I just can't.
Robby pulls his arms downs in a victory gesture.
ALLISON
I'll wait until after the test tomorrow.
Robby begins to mime sobbing as Jackson comes over to him from upstairs.
JACKSON
Pull it together old man! It's not like it's the last B I'll ever get!
ROBBY
Wanna' bet?
Shrugging, Jackson walks back down to the couch.
***
In the schoolyard, Miley and Lily are looking around the tables for girls that would match with Oliver.
LILY
OK, which lucky girl is it going to be that will break the "nurse curse"? Hey, what about Stephanie, she's cute!
MILEY
And on last year's field trip she sat in front of Oliver ...
LILY
Oh yeah. He stuffed down three hot dogs before they got on the bus ...
MILEY
And she was wearing them when they got off!
They walk over in the other direction.
LILY
Don't worry, I'm sure there's plenty of girls for Oliver.
MILEY
Yeah, well let's see ... (as they walk past tables of girls, they point at them) tricked her, sat on her lunch ... spilled on ... spilled on ... (grunts) and poor Pamela ... the only survivor of the Oiken natural gas disaster of 2006.
LILY
This may be harder than I thought.
The nurse comes down the stairwell.
MILEY
Oh no, there she is. Sweet old lady doesn't suspect a thing!
Oliver comes racing down the stairs behind her.
MILEY
Lover boy's at it again, let's go!
As Oliver turns the corner, followed by Miley and Lily, he places a note under the Nurse's door.
***
The nurse in her office is reading the note from Oliver as Miley and Lily walk in.
NURSE
Oh, hey guys, what's up? Miley, did you get hit by a football again?
MILEY
No .
NURSE
Soccer ball?
MILEY
No.
NURSE
Boomerang?
MILEY
No. I'm fine! This isn't about me.
LILY
It's about Oliver, and you, and the chocolates, and that note.
NURSE
So you know?
MILEY (Nods)
Yeah.
NURSE (Relieved)
Oh, I am so glad he told you.
LILY
You are?
NURSE
Absolutely! He wanted this to be our ... (closes blinds on door) little secret. But I told him it was nothing to be ashamed of.
MILEY (Surprised)
You did?
NURSE
Of course! Oliver didn't ask for this to happen, I mean ... none of us ever do. But when it does you can either run away from it or embrace it!
LILY (Shocked)
And you want him to embrace it?
NURSE
I begged him to and now that he has ... I couldn't be happier!
MILEY
You're kidding me, right!
NURSE
Why would I kid about Oliver having diabetes?
LILY / MILEY (Astounded)
What?
***
Miley and Lily are still standing shocked.
LILY
Oliver has diabetes?
NURSE
Of course, what did you think I was talking about?
MILEY
(Refluxing) Diabetes! Oliver ... has diabetes! She meant to say it with the period, but she said it with a question mark by mistake. Right Lily?
LILY
Ar ... oh yeah. (speaks in up and down tone) It's a teenage girl thing.
MILEY
We all do it.
LILY
My mum hates it.
NURSE
Wait a minute, you didn't think that Oliver had a ...
MILEY / LILY
No!
NURSE
Because I would never ...
MILEY / LILY
Of course not!
NURSE
Oliver?
MILEY / LILY
No!
MILEY
I mean, let's face it. You still have a couple of good years left, you could do a lot better.
NURSE
Gee, thanks. (walks back to desk)
LILY
Poor Oliver.
MILEY
I know. I just wanna' give him a big hug.
LILY
Oh, this is why he gave her the chocolates. So he wouldn't eat them. When you have diabetes you're not supposed to have a lot of sugar.
NURSE
Wait a minute, you guys didn't know, did you?
They put on a fake grin and point back at her, thinking of an excuse, but have nothing. They turn away shamefully.
LILY / MILEY
Uh-ar.
NURSE
Oh boy. (sits down) OK, listen, you can live a very full life with diabetes, but this is all still very new to Oliver and he's struggling with it. So please, let him tell you, OK?
LILY
But, what if he doesn't?
MILEY
Yeah - we're his friends, I mean, we wanna' help him.
NURSE
You're just going to have to be patient, OK?
MILEY
OK. We can do that.
***
Miley and Lily are leaning up against their lockers in boredom. They bang their heads across the lockers impatiently.
MILEY
We can't do this!
They look over at Oliver, who is sitting at a table with one of his friends trying to steal his chocolate bar.
LILY
I know! Look at him!
Oliver falls off his seat uncontrollably.
MILEY
You know how he is with candy.
LILY
But Miley, you heard the nurse, we promised we'd chill.
They look over and see Oliver following the boy with the chocolate bar. Oliver jumps as the boy chucks it away in the bin. Oliver jumps into the rubbish bin after it!
MILEY
I think we've chilled long enough! If sugar boy won't tell us the truth, we're gonna' have to coax it out of him.
LILY
Great idea.
The two of them walk over to Oliver, who is now standing with the chocolate bar.
LILY
Hey buddy pal! Did I tell you I got brand new shoes and a brand new watch? But enough about me, what's new with you, huh, huh?
OLIVER
Just ar ... keeping the old planet green, (he chucks the chocolate bar in the recycle bin) paper goes in here.
He walks off.
LILY
I may have a come on a little two strong.
MILEY
Ya think?
***
Miley is sitting at the kitchen table with her dad reading over something on her laptop.
MILEY
It says here that Oliver's body just doesn't process sugar the way it's supposed to. But if he takes his insulin and doesn't eat to many sweets, he can lead a normal life. (she takes out an ice cream sundae from her knee and digs into it) I don't know why he is so afraid to tell us. (through a mouth full) I could totally help him stay away from sugar.
ROBBY
I agree. You are quite the little robot.
MILEY
That's not the point. I mean, he's gotta' tell us eventually. What's he waiting for?
ROBBY
I can't imagine. It's not like you didn't tell him you were Hannah Montana right out back. I mean, you didn't keep him waiting, and waiting, and waiting, and waiting, and waiting ...
MILEY
I got the point Captain Sudel.
ROBBY
Hey, I got a great idea, why don't you take him to Traci's party tonight? Hang out, have fun, get his mind off things.
MILEY
... that's actually a good idea!
ROBBY
(Walks to fridge) I do have those on occasion, you know. It's not like I'm one of those doopy TV dads!
MILEY
You keep telling that yourself big fella.
As Miley walks away, Robby looks over at Jackson's quiz paper marked with B.
ROBBY
Oh ... my little B boy! I hardly knew you!
Jackson and Allison walk in.
JACKSON
OK ... so what do you call a pig who knows karate? A pork chop! Ha-ya!
ROBBY
Jackson! Allison! You're here! Together, that's great!
Robby embraces them with his arms.
ROBBY
You are a b-eautiful couple!
JACKSON
Don't worry, he always gets like this just before nappy time, huh? I'll be right back.
Jackson and Robby walk off away into the kitchen from Allison.
JACKSON
Don't blow this for me! She said she wants to "talk" and I think we both know what that means.
ROBBY
Well, one of us does.
JACKSON
I don't have time for you words old man, so just go!
Jackson ushers Robby upstairs.
JACKSON
Go, go, go!
As Robby goes off, Jackson comes back downstairs with an attractive look on his face. Allison looks away as he puts some breath spray on - but accidently sprays it the wrong way. He corrects himself and "dances" over to the couch where Allison is waiting in anxiety.
JACKSON
Aye, aye, aye, aye! (Allison glares over at him) I ... I am just dancing over to you because I can't wait to talk. (jumps on couch and pops lips) ready when you are.
ALLISON
Actually, I really did want to talk.
JACKSON (Taken aback)
Really? OK, well I guess we could ...
ALLISON
Listen, Jackson.
Robby suddenly comes down the stairs and crouches down beside the couch.
ROBBY
Hey, uh, before I take my nap I just wanted to say to you that you are the best girlfriend Jackson has ever had! Ever! He's had a lot, I can't keep the ladies off of him.
JACKSON
Dad, we're trying to have a little conversation here!
ROBBY
Conversation? Oh, you don't want to do that. Talking is the quickest way to ruin a relationship! (he comes and joins them on the couch) Hey, let me ask you, have you kissed him yet?
Jackson and Allison stare at him.
ROBBY
All the ladies say he's got lips like butter.
JACKSON
Dad!
ROBBY
Oh, son, don't be modest. You know, Stewart men only get better looking with age. (he beckons himself) Exhibit A.
JACKSON (To Allison)
Will you excuse us?
He and Robby walk off.
ROBBY
(as they walk off) Did I mention he's going to inherit a lot of money?
JACKSON
What are you doing?
ROBBY
I'm trying to get you into college!
JACKSON
How? By humiliating me?
ROBBY
By saving this relationship.
Allison looks over.
ROBBY
I heard her on the phone yesterday, she gonna' break up with you.
JACKSON
What?
ROBBY
Sorry son.
Jackson turns back to Allison.
JACKSON
Is that true? You want to break up with me?
ALLISON
(long pause, relieved) Yeah! I didn't know exactly how to say it. Thank-you so much Mr. Stewart. (rises) Wow! That was easier than I thought!
She walks out.
***
Robby is sitting on the couch in tears, Jackson comforting him.
ROBBY
It's just so unfair! I did everything I could! What more did she want?
JACKSON
Look, these things happen.
ROBBY
How could you be so OK with this?
JACKSON
Well - I just found out that I'm gonna' inherit a ton of money! (pauses) And get even better looking! And you said I needed college! Yeah, wow!
He runs off wildly upstairs.
***
Hannah, Lola and Mike sneak through the bushes to Traci's party.
HANNAH
Come on, let's go, it'll be fine.
MIKE
You guys, I'm really not up for this, OK? I'm just gonna' head home.
He attempts to walk off, but Lola and Hannah pull him back.
LOLA
And leave us to party without our best friend? I don't think so. You're our goaty goaty guy.
HANNAH
Yeah - whatever is going on in your life, you gotta "fiki-fiki-forget" about it, for one night.
MIKE
You know guys, you're right. Tonight, Tonight I'm not Oliver. I'm Mike Stanley. And I'm gonna' go "wiki-wiki wild"!
LOLA
Now you're talking!
HANNAH
OK ... let's get down, let's get funky ...
As they walk in they instantly notice the hoards of candy at the party.
HANNAH
Let's get the heck out of here!
LOLA
Eeep!
Mike begins to look around at all the things.
MIKE
Wow ...
Traci walks over to them and speaks in her usual high pitched voice.
TRACI
Hannah!
They air kiss each other.
TRACI
Welcome to my sweet sixteen! Emphasis on the sweet!
HANNAH
Weren't you sixteen two years ago?
TRACI
Ssh! Mother tells me I have to hold at sixteen as long as she's holding on to thirty-nine.
All this while Oliver has been staring at the enormous lolliepop in Traci's hand.
TRACI
Hello Lola.
LOLA
Hello Traci.
Lola turns to Mike.
TRACI
Who's this big piece of scrumptious? (turns to Hannah) Somebody can't keep their eyes off me!
HANNAH
I don't think it's you he's drooling over.
LOLA
Anyway, we were just leaving, come on, scrumptious!
He looks around at the millions of sweet things at the party.
MIKE
Yeah, sure, whatever you say. .. OK, I'm going this way.
TRACI (To Hannah)
Thanks for bring me arm candy, how Abra Poe.
Mike is drooling in the chocolate fountain. Traci draws him away with her lolliepop.
TRACI
I know! Cool! Isn't it! I have to let some more people fall over me, so, in the meantime, try a little dibble of this.
She covers a marshmallow stick in the chocolate and hands it to Mike.
TRACI
Chaw. (she walks off)
Mike stares at the chocolate coated marshmallow.
MIKE
I can't do this. So I'll ... (he begins to chuck it away, but stops himself) Oh, who am I kidding? (He dips it some more in the fountain, and Lola steals it from him)
LOLA
Thank-you!
HANNAH (To Mike)
Dance with me!
MIKE
Why, nobody else is dancing! (he reaches for something sweet, but Hannah takes it from him)
HANNAH
And nobody else is wearing an armpit hair beard, but that didn't stop you!
She puts the sweet in Lola's mouth.
HANNAH
Come on, let's dance.
The two of them walk off as a cute boy walks past Lola and sees her stuffing her face. He gives her a look.
LOLA
Hey, give me a break, I'm saving a life here!
***
At the party, the cavalcade are doing the conga, with Mike, Hannah and Lola at the front. Mike reaches for some candy floss, but Hannah steals it from him and shoves it in Lola's mouth. He then reaches for a sweet from a table, but yet again, Hannah shoves it in Lola's mouth. He does it again, but Hannah repeats her actions. They break themselves from the group.
HANNAH
Isn't this fun?
MIKE
No! We've been dancing for over an hour, and for some reason, I haven't been able to eat anything! OK! Just back off and give me some space!
As Mike walks away, Lola and Hannah take a seat at a table.
HANNAH
I don't know how much longer I can do this.
LOLA
You! I've spent the whole night devouring everything that Oliver's looked at!
Lola falls over on the table and Hannah looks over to see Oliver glaring at three oversized lolliepops.
HANNAH
Sweet niblets!
Hannah runs over to his side.
HANNAH
No, you can't!
In alarm, he drops the lolliepops.
MIKE
Why not!
HANNAH
Because ... ar ... you haven't seen my magic trick.
MIKE
What?
Traci walks over.
TRACI
Oh, there's my scrumptious!
Hannah, in an act of surprise, tips the table of sweets upside down - thus pushing Traci over on the ground and the chocolate fountain falling. Traci tumbles in the fallen chocolate.
TRACI
I am so done with sweet sixteens!
She walks off slowly, as Hannah pulls herself up with candy floss stuck across her head! She pulls some off.
HANNAH
T-da!
MIKE
What is your problem?
HANNAH (Softly)
We know about your diabetes.
Mike looks over at Lola and she nods.
MIKE
You do?
HANNAH
Sorry.
LOLA (Speaks at a rapid pace)
We found out from the nurse, she didn't mean to tell us, she's really nice, I see how you could've had a crush on her, not that you did ... oh man, what I wouldn't give for a slime machine or a pump right now!
HANNAH
Why didn't you tell us?
MIKE
I don't know!
They walk over and towards the table, but remain standing.
MIKE
I was scared, OK! And I still am.
He takes a marshmallow off the table.
MIKE
You know, I want this so bad! But I just ... I just can't have it!
He throws it on the ground.
HANNAH
I know. We're your best friends ... and ... believe me, I know we can't make it go away.
LOLA
But we can help you through it.
MIKE
Oh great. Now I'm just you're "sick" friend!
Mike takes a seat and Lola and Hannah crouch down beside him.
HANNAH
No! You are going to be the same, goofy ... clumsy ... wonderful friend you've always been.
LOLA
Who happens to be a diabetic. It won't change anything between us.
MIKE
I guess I should've known that. Thanks you guys.
They stand up and embrace each other in a hug.
HANNAH
It's just one of the things best friends share. I mean, like my Hannah secret, or the birthmark shaped like a poodle on Lily's but ...
LOLA
Hey!
MIKE
What?
HANNAH
Oopsies!
MIKE
Come on, let's go home.
He reaches for the candy floss on Hannah's head.
HANNAH
Ar! Don't think about it!
MIKE
Don't think about what?
***
Miley and Lola walk into the Stewart household and take a seat on the couch next to Robby.
ROBBY
Hey, what happened to your wig?
MILEY
Long story.
She holds up a piece of candy floss to her father.
MILEY
Let's just say this is all that's left of it.
Robby takes some and consumes it.
ROBBY
Must've been one heck of a party.
MILEY
It was. And, uh, we finally talked to Oliver and he told us everything.
Lola is leaning on Miley's shoulder.
LOLA
Yeah, I finally think he's coming out of his shell about it.
Mike comes in rapping.
MIKE (Rapping)
I didn't ask for diabetes, it just popped up you see, but now that I've got it, nothing has changed it, I'm still me, havin' beates just means that me and sugar don't mash. (he places his hat on Robby's head and precedes to a seat) But it's all good, 'cause I'm still "fiki-fiki" fresh, word!
MILEY
Who's wishing he kept the secret?
LOLA (Raises hand)
Me!
Miley and Robby raise their hands after Lily and stare at him bizarrely.
